Posted on

Keeping It Cool

Hi Stephanie,

While out for a very late night snack over the weekend my boyfriend got a call from someone named Liz. And then another, and another. Finally I asked who Liz was and with an eye roll and a sigh he said she was an ex girlfriend who “still calls sometimes”. I’m not really *worried* about it but would like to discuss it while we’re both a little more sober. At the same time I don’t want to make a big deal out of nothing. Is it worth bringing it up?

Sincerely,

Trying to be a “Cool” Girlfriend

SocialPost_3130476_facebook

Dear Girlfriend,

Thanks for writing in! First, I want to say don’t worry about being the “cool girlfriend”. Of course being a reasonable person is important, but sometimes the cool persona needs to be set aside so you can stick up for yourself and protect yourself. If you’re focused on being the cool girl all the time, are you ever truly being yourself?

Secondly, I would feel the same way, of not wanting to be worried about these calls, because I trust my boyfriend, but my antenna would definitely go up because the circumstances are a little odd. Late night, multiple calls, ex-girlfriend…I would hate it, no matter how cool I am or wanted to be.

Only you will know if you can really trust your boyfriend, but I do think it is a good thing that he was upfront and honest about it when it happened. I would try to let that bring me some ease. That being said, from what you wrote and the fact you even wrote in, says to me that the whole situation still bothers you. So yes, it is worth bringing it up. If you don’t talk about it, it will fester in your mind and turn in to something bigger than it is and lead to mistrust between you and your man.

I don’t think it will be a super uncomfortable conversation. You already know the hard stuff, and you know he’s annoyed by her calling him, which is a good thing. Since you’re not trying to make this an episode of Maurie, I wouldn’t make it a big sit down conversation, that will add a lot of pressure that I don’t think is needed. When you’re running errands or some other low key thing, ask what you want to know regarding this scenario and let him know that this bothers you and that you would prefer if she did not call him late in the night, at the very least. I am sure that you just want confirmation that there is nothing going on between them.

Please let me know how this turns out! I hope for all the best.

With Love,

Stephanie

P.S – I hope you all had a wonderful and Happy Thanksgiving.

Posted on

Breaking PROMises

Dear Stephanie,

My 16-year-old daughter was dumped at the last minute by her boyfriend before prom after cheating on her. She had the dress and everything. Her older sister’s good friend ended up stepping in to take her, while the ex-boyfriend went with the girl he cheated on my daughter with. Late in the summer, the boy started  trying to make amends and wants  to get back together. So does she now. We’ve resisted her spending time with him and said no. Her personality even changed to being sad a lot, angry, and darker, but she and her sisters all think he is ok now, is sorry, and deserves a second chance. What do you, being young, suggest?

Sincerely,

A Momma Bear

SocialPost_2828438_facebook (1)

Dear Momma Bear,

Thanks for writing in. I really appreciate you seeking my advice on this but honestly, I am not sure at all how to approach this as a parent. I very bluntly want to say your daughters are being naive. Which is only a by product of their age. (Assuming they are all close in age.) Thank goodness they have a mom who is seeing that boy for the untrustworthy person he is.

If that were my sister I would hope that she would stay far far away from him. I’m a firm believer in forgiveness, but not everyone in every scenario deserves a second chance. Especially, in matters of the heart. Cheating, lying and public embarrassment are absolute deal breakers for me. Remind your daughters to maintain their high standards and  that even if he is truly sorry he does not deserve a second chance because what he did was too egregious. In my experience, a guy like him is only sorry and want’s to win your daughter back, because he thinks that’s what he is supposed to do. It’s a game for him.

As I said before, I don’t know what to suggest to you as for parenting advice but I don’t think you should force them apart, more than you have. Keep the boundaries that you set, but I think more than that will only push your daughter farther from you and the support of her family and into the arms of that fool. Even if they are “forbidden” to see each other, they will find a way through lying and sneaking around to be together. Which is the last thing you and your daughter needs.

In the meantime, keep talking to your daughters about how no one should settle for someone who hurts them in such a way. In these talks, be sure to make it clear that if and when it all goes south there will never be an “I told you so”, just a shoulder to cry on. It does seem like they need to learn the hard way, but hopefully they will just take your word for it.

With Love,

Stephanie

 

Posted on

Working Like a Dog

Dear Stephanie,

Apologies if this is not the right way to write in. I’m having an issue at work where I’ve now basically doubled my hours. Writing in now, I’m still working on projects. ( Editor’s Note: I received this message on a Saturday at approximately 3pm.)

I’ve been asked to help out on something at work with 0 details and have basically been thrown in the shit. I didn’t mind at first, but one of the people on the account is disgustingly entitled and is so disconnected/rude that it is affecting my morale. I’ve been very transparent on how I feel, but at this point I think it is becoming something of an arms race. She knows I won’t take her shit, and she is not my boss, but seems to get more aggressive/passive aggressive as the weeks go by.

I’ve escalated but have been ignored and think I’m going to start looking for a new job because I’m honestly very angry but don’t want to hurt my team. How do I honestly approach this without looking like I’m over reacting. Am I over reacting?

Sincerely,

Unfortunately Angry

SocialPost_2828503_facebook (1)

Dear Unfortunately Angry,

Thank you for writing in. Your work situation sounds tough. I bet nearly everyone  can relate with a similar scenario. Doesn’t it always seem like the same miserable person works in every office?

First, I want to point out that you were brought on to this project because someone trusts you, needs your help and your particular skill set to get the project done. You may not have all the facts you want or need, but someone knows and believes that you will be a key player in reaching the goal. Try to remember that as a small motivator when you are in the thick of it.

I do not think you are overreacting, but I do think you’re feeling really emotional about this issue. Which I can totally relate to. I really allow myself to be defined by my career, and because of that, so much feels personal. So, when and if I am working with someone miserable and difficult, like your co-worker, I can easily end up walking away at the end of the day feeling frustrated, sad and angry at the situation. When that happens, I try to take a breath and look at what I am facing as an opportunity for success. Even if it is just the small, but personal success, that I can be proud of the work I did in less than ideal circumstances.

So plow ahead, and keep your head up. Make sure that this co-worker, has no real reason to give you a hard time because you are doing amazing work. She will just end up looking like a fool, after you prove her wrong over and over again.

In terms of looking for a new job, only you will know when the time is right  to move on. If you really love your job outside of this issue, do not let this or your co-worker push you away from something that you love.

Although, I think it might be time for you to ask for additional financial compensation if have been working this much overtime for an extended period of time, not just with this project. You are not a salve, you are an employee and they should care about you in that capacity, if they want to retain talent. Depending on their response and how you feel about it leads to my final point.

Before I left my last job for my current job I felt the same way, you mention above, in that my team needs me and I didn’t want to let them down. However, one event after another made it clear it was time for me to move on.  I realized that I deserve to enjoy my job. You and I will spend most of our adult life at work, and it should be as enjoyable as possible. So my advice is, don’t worry so much about the team, they will be ok. As important as you are, your not going to make or break the company if you leave. At the end of the day the company will be fine if you stay or go, but will you be fine? If that answer is no, start sending out your resume and meeting with headhunters. A better opportunity (more $$$) could be right around the corner.

With Love,
Stephanie

Please feel free to let me now below if you would approach this situation differently. If you liked my advice, submit a question of your own.

Posted on

Home Is Where The Barn Is

Dear Stephanie,

A little back story— I am 23 years old and currently own and operate my own business at a facility that I lease. At this facility I lease about 20 acres and multiple barns but there are also 2 houses on the property that I don’t have access to.

I’ve wanted to live on the property since I started there but one house is occupied by a 99 year lease and the other is occupied by friends of my landlord. Just before it was time to renew my lease I told my landlord that I might not want to renew for another whole year if it didn’t look like I’d be able to live on property soon. In my line of work, sometimes I have to be available late at night and early in the mornings so not living on farm is less than ideal. He was understanding but I know he is friends with them so I’m skeptical about him actually bringing it up to them.

Now, the people that live in the second house are super nice and I actually like them a lot. Recently, I was making small talk with them and it came up that my business is a hard one to run without living on property but I’ve been able to make do. They replied by saying “they can live any where, and just tell them WHEN”. Well I wish I could go back and say “when” 6 months ago, and if it was polite I would’ve said “when” right that minute but I’m not sure how serious they were or if it’s even appropriate so say “when” at any point. My landlord recently said that he’s going to talk to them about moving but with his track record of dealing with things at glacial speeds I’m going to be waiting until I’m 43 for him to take any action and this is something I’d like to happen by Spring 2018. So I guess my question is, how do I go about politely asking them to move out?

Thanks,
Impatient Business Owner

https://ssequestrian.com/
Photo courtesy SS Equestrian Services

Dear Impatient,

Thank you for writing in and congrats on your success in your career, so far. It is impressive at any age to be an entrepreneur, let alone at 23! Amazing.

But let’s get to the real reason we are here….After reading your question I personally do not think it is appropriate to ask someone to move. It’s pretty rude, even if they say “Just say when”. The only person who can truly ask/make them move is your landlord. However, the next time it comes up in conversation let them know that if they really mean it, you would really appreciate it, since it would make your life easier. I do not think you should push it farther than that.

I do think you should put the pressure on your landlord. If he isn’t making the moves necessary for you to live on the property, drive a hard bargain with him. Let him know you can and will go else where, that is better for you, your business and that you will get more for your money. You could ask that he reduces the rent or maintains the same rent at each re-signing, so that it is worth your while to keep renting from him if you’re not living there. Hold him accountable to taking care of what needs fixing and to be maintained, or again, you’ll look else where. I am sure you are good tenant, and he would not want to lose your business. He might not have a huge amount to gain from you moving on to the property, but he surely has a lot that he could loose if you decided to leave. Since you are so young, I would put money on it, that he does not take you as seriously has he should.

So all that to say, I do not think you should ask your neighbors, of sorts, to move but you should make your land lord give you a good reason to stay. Even if that reason is not living on the property right now, but other perks and benefits.

I know you don’t want to wait, but one of houses will eventually be free for you to move in to. In the meantime be patient with other tenants, and hard on your landlord to get what you want or something better.

With Love,

Stephanie

Posted on

To Swipe or Not To Swipe

Dear Stephanie,

I’ve just come across a friend of mine’s boyfriend on a dating app and I don’t know what to do next. All the photos/ bio info are very recent and current. They’ve been dating for a while, so I know for a fact this was updated recently.

She and I aren’t as close as we once were and I worry if I bring it up it wouldn’t be well received. Regardless, I still care about her and obviously want what is best for her.

Should I bring this to her attention or just swipe it away?

Sincerely,
🐝

dating-app-icons-tinder-bumble-league-zoosk-okcupid-hinge-2182

Dear🐝,

Thank you for writing in. Let’s make the bottomline the first line here: You should tell her what you saw, regardless of where your friendship stands. Us ladies have to stick together.

I know some people might argue that you are sticking your nose in somewhere it doesn’t belong, but this is the type of scenario that you have to take a second to think about what you would want if the roles were reversed? If I were your friend, and you came across such a thing, I would want to know immediately. I don’t care if we just had a giant fight, or I haven’t seen you or spoken to you in years, or we are thick as thieves. I would be thankful for the knowledge and glad that someone has my back in a time of such deception. If you were in a similar situation, what would you want?…That’s your answer.

If you end up reaching out to her about what you saw I think there can be 2 outcomes:

  1. The Worst: Her longterm boyfriend is cheating on her in a very public way.
  2. The Best: There is some agreement between them and she is aware he is out there swiping away and things are OK.

So let’s hope for the best, that she is ok, happy and aware of what his going on in her relationship; and that she is glad that she has a friend like you in her corner.

With Love,

Stephanie

If anyone else has different approach, please leave a comment below. I would love to hear your point of view.

Posted on

Room(mate) for Improvement

Dear Stephanie,

I live in a suite of 6 girls total and my roommate is great. But one of the other girls who lives in the suite is particularly disgusting with her bathroom habits. She also happens to come a much different culture and religion than me. I don’t know a lot about her or her culture. I want to approach her about her unsanitary habits but I don’t know how to go about it without being insensitive, because what if these restroom habits are part of her religion? How should I talk to her without causing a problem?

Sincerely,

A Repulsed Roommate

Dear Replused,

My gut reaction here is she is probably just a gross person and it doesn’t have anything to do with her religion. Cleanliness is next to godliness after all! But seriously, I did some research on the 3 major religions over the past few days and followers of these religions  are all supposed to be VERY clean. However, to play it safe do some research on her culture, religion and customs to be sure yourself. Learning about her customs may help you decide on how you should approach her.

Regardless, of what you learn, gross is gross and you will still need to talk to her. I do think she has no clue she is being unsanitary. She think’s what she is doing is totally ok. So you can’t be mad at her for that, but you have to try and teach her, for your own health and sanity. Approach her privately, not with the 4 other girls in your suite around, and be as non-judgmental as possible. While embarrassment is an effective way to get someone to change their habits, it is also a good way to ruin a happy and healthy relationship in the future. You talking to her one on one, I think, will provide enough embarrassment to get her to change her behavior, but not so much that she would be insulted. She will be glad and thankful that it was not in front of a crowd.

If anyone has a different idea or approach to dealing with a gross roommate please leave a comment below! I would love to hear your input.

With Love,

Stephanie

IMG_5907

Posted on

Oh, Brother!

Dear Stephanie,

My brother is 22 and, although he certainly could be doing worse, he has always been the cause of much family contention and isn’t moving in the direction he could/should be.

He recently graduated college and continued right into his MBA at the same school, with no work experience or plan of what he wants, and did not want to answer any questions my family had or take any advice on maybe waiting and getting work experience in the field he thinks he wants to work in first. Leading up to graduation, he did not put much effort into recruiting for jobs he wanted. Once he saw he wasn’t getting any job offers, he just decided to keep going to school. I’m not sure if he really thinks this will help him get a job, seeing as it was really a lack of effort on his part that resulted in him staying in school.

Grad school is not a plan he had or something he ever expressed interest in before, and he did not have a reason (that he told us, at least) for continuing school. From our experience and what many successful people have done, we all agreed it would be better to wait and perhaps have more of a plan before paying for a graduate degree. He didn’t listen to what anyone said and just signed up for the program. He is also at a temp job but not treating it like an opportunity for full-time employment.

He is living with my parents now, which in itself is not a problem, but he has never gotten along with the family very well and doesn’t help around the house, interact with my parents, or even answer their simple questions most of the time. I know it is hard on them because they want to help him out any way they can and he barely speaks to them. Even if they aren’t probing or trying to offer advice, he is unresponsive and doesn’t want to be around them.

We joke about it as a family, but I want to be able to help him out. What can I do to get him to listen, or at least want to have a semi-serious conversation? Do I leave it alone and hope he’s just a (very) late bloomer?

Sincerely,

Trying to Help a Brother Out

Dear Trying,

Thanks for writing in. To be quite frank, it sounds like your brother is self-centered and needs to grow up. He’s taking your family’s interest and your parent’s generosity for granted. It must be really frustrating when your whole family is trying to help him but all your getting is the reaction from him that you mention above. However, on the other hand a MBA is never a bad choice; even if he is going about it in an unconventional way and he is unsure of what he wants after he gets his degree. A business degree will always be applicable in any field he will eventually pursue and future employers will take notice. So, I think maybe, cut him a little slack in that area. Just because it is not the exact way you or other people would do it, does not mean it isn’t the right choice for him.

If you still want to have a serious conversation with him about his education, I would approach from the angle of helping him discover what he wants to do after school. I don’t doubt you that he didn’t put the effort into finding a job, but maybe he did not put an effort in because he has not found something that excites him and motivates him. Which, if I am being honest, IS an immature outlook, but an outlook none the less, and one that many many people subscribe to. I would try to have a low pressure, brain storming type conversation about what he likes and wants to do in life. He probably needs some inspiration, and as his sibling, who is better to help him with that? Maybe, it will help you see him in a new light too.

However, the way he is treating your family is unacceptable at his age. Sounds like he needs a real heart to heart (knock upside the head) to be reminded how lucky he is that he can live at home without contributing to the household while pursuing further education and still be a rude person and family member. If I were you, I would remind him constantly how good he has it and that he owes your parents more than a thank you. Obviously, I am no parent but I would also suggest to my own parents to give him a taste of reality. Leave him alone and don’t ask questions but since he has a job, he can pay some rent. He can cook his own meals.  He can buy his own food and he can do his own laundry… Or whatever other benefits he’s getting from living at home. This push in to a faux deep end might accelerate his delayed blooming process and help him and realize that your family has been more just roommates at a boarding house to him.

All in all, I think you should keep talking to and encouraging your brother to be a better person, family member, student and future employee. It could be like talking to a wall for years, but the optimist in me hopes one day he will get it.

With Love,

Stephanie

If anyone else has any other suggestions or a different approach, please leave a comment below.

photo 5

Posted on

Helping a Sister Out

Dear Stephanie,

My sorority sister is bulimic. She came back to school this year and lost tons of weight over the summer.  Everyone is like “yeah you look great” but I think that the compliments just make her more bulimic. I don’t think she throws up every single time she eats, but definitely most of the time. Sometimes she does it when I’m in her dorm room, and she uses the in-suite restroom. She knows I can hear her. One time I tried to say something but she was just like “yeah, I have issues”, and the conversation ended there.

Honestly, I feel like she’s a really dramatic person in general and she’s always seeking some kind of attention. That might make me a bad person, I don’t know, but she clearly has an issue. Also, her boyfriend is Satan, so maybe that has something to do with it? Anyway, it’s not like we are best friends. So I don’t know if I am the best person to help her. I would if I had a solid solution but I don’t. What should I do?

Sincerely,

A Worried Sister

IMG_6839

Dear   Worried ,

Thank you for sending me your question. I am really sorry to hear about the different struggles that you and your sorority sister are facing. Please keep in mind I am not an expert on eating disorders, but I have done some research to make sure I am giving you the best advice that I can.

That being said, the only person who could come up with a “solid solution”  and strategy for her recovery is a medical professional. In nearly everything I read,  for a person in your position it is best that you continue to be a supportive and understanding friend. As you may know, bulimia, like other eating disorders, is some sort a coping mechanism to feel some type of control over oneself and their lives. There is something bigger going on in their life that they are trying to control through disordered eating. Since, you mention her boyfriend and that he is awful, that could be one of the reasons she is turning to this destructive behavior. His presence in her life may just exacerbate what’s already there. You might not be the first person she would turn to for comfort and advice, but let her know you are there for her if she wants to talk and continue to remind her how great she is without making any mention of her physical appearance.

When the time is right to confront her again, you could again be met with that cavalier attitude, but you also have a chance to plant a seed for recovery. Maybe, check and see if your school has eating disorder support groups? Print the info for her. Let her know what resources exist. I think that time will come sooner rather than later. I feel that she is loudly crying for help. The attention seeking that you mention and the fact that she purges with you in such close quarters, tells me she wants someone to do something with her or for her—or perhaps even confront her and ask if she wants help. When and if you confront her, do it without judgment and criticism and let her know she is not alone.

As for your peers who keep complimenting her appearance, I am sure not everyone thinks she looks amazing. More might agree with you than you think, but it also won’t help your sorority sister if you’re going around trying to rally troops of people who think she looks awful and is ill. That will do way more damage than good. As I said before, keep being a supportive and kind friend and when people are raving about her appearance, you continue to focus on what is inside. Eventually other people, with less tact, will speak up and it will be known most people think she needs help. She will need a friend in that time more than ever.

The advice that I am giving is certainly much easier said than done and would take a lot of patience and kindness to not blurt out that she should get help now, but like I said and according to the professionals’ advice,  this is the best thing you can do for her right now. Last but not least in the event of a medical emergency (if she faints, for example) call 9-1-1 right away and don’t keep any secrets about your sorority sister that could impede her treatment and recovery.

So, I hope this is helpful for you and in turn your sorority sister. If anyone else has a suggestion on how to help both of these girls even further, please leave a comment below.

With Love,

Stephanie

Posted on

Busting a Move

Dear Stephanie,

I have been living with one of my best friends for 2 years and it’s been great. We have the same living habits, our apartment is in a cute old brownstone in a great neighborhood, and an easy commute to work for the both of us. The only downside is that I have a much smaller room and we pay the same rent. My room is technically part of her room, just with a wall divider, so there isn’t much privacy. This has never been an issue, just more of an inconvenience for me which I’ve never felt was a problem since, I’ve been happy with every other aspect of our living space.

Things started to change when she got a boyfriend last January. Which I understand and is part of life, things change. I started dating my now BF too, and we both spend a lot of time with our boyfriends and MUCH less time together as friends. This is fine, but it’s just been a very different living situation than it was before.

So, anyways, I hadn’t any intention of moving any time soon, but my boyfriend and I were talking about the future, and discussed living together. He recently asked if I would seriously consider moving in with him and I was open to the idea, but hesitant to leave my roommate to fend for herself. I knew I was not ready to move out in the next month or so. I said I would consider it for next year ( This discussion is happening in August/September) when our lease was up at the end of February. On that note, he researched and found some places for us to look at for the future and I was interested. So, one weekend we decided to take a look get a feel for the rental market.

I didn’t tell my roommate we were going to look, because I didn’t want to alarm her. Nothing was set in stone and it was just to see what was out there just for our own research. So, off we went to get ideas. I didn’t tell my roommate and I thought I was doing the right thing by not alarming her.

When we were looking we ended up falling IN LOVE with one of the apartments. As soon as we walked in the apartment, I could picture my life with my boyfriend there. I wasn’t expecting it to happen, but once we saw the place we knew we had to move. Bonus!! – the rent would be the same as my current, but I would be getting SO much more.

After speaking with a leasing agent, she told us a few places were still available and if we were seriously interested, we should put a hold on one of the apartments for March 2018. It all happened so fast, but we felt comfortable committing to a place since we wouldn’t have to move until the end of February. At the time a little less 6 months away.

It was perfect. I was only concerned about leaving my roommate and her having to figure out a new living arrangement. After thinking about it more, I decided that I needed to do what was best for me and my life. Since, the move was 5 months out when I told her, I thought  that was enough time to let her know and for her to figure out what to do.

I told my roommate 3 weeks ago that I am moving out in February. She was shocked when I told her, and I don’t know if I was communicating super clearly. It was hard to show my excitement but also my empathy. She said she was upset because she feels like this came out of nowhere, and said she has nowhere to go and doesn’t want to live with anyone else or anywhere else. I offered multiple times to help her look for places or roommates and she said no.

My roommate has now been ignoring me for 3 weeks, and I’ve tried to stay friendly and say good morning and goodnight, but it’s awkward. She literally hasn’t talked to me at all. At this point, I’m not sure what to do. Its awkward and uncomfortable being at my apartment, and I don’t know how to interact with her since she won’t talk. She’s not some random person I’m living with, she was one of my best friends. I didn’t think our friendship was going to end over this, and I don’t necessarily think it is over at this point, but I don’t know how to repair it, or even if it can be repaired. I’m 100% set and excited to move and I feel I’ve offered all I can to help her for the next step.  I don’t even talk about my new apartment with someone if she’s home so I don’t hurt her feelings.

Do you have any advice on how to handle the next few months living in this situation or how to mend things with her?? Or should I let the friendship slowly go if this is how things are going to be?

Sincerely,

A Frustrated Roommate

FullSizeRender

Dear Frustrated,

First I want to say congrats on that exciting, and big step you are taking with your boyfriend! I am sure you will both be very happy in this next adventure.

Next, I want to say thanks for your question an all the background information you gave. It painted a clear picture for me and I’m sorry that while you are so excited for the next step with your boyfriend, your friendship is suffering. But, I admire you for wanting to mend the fence with your friend. I am not that sure I am as big of a person, especially since she can’t expect you to live with her forever, and 5 months is a crazy generous amount of time for her to get it together (2 months is standard), and you are offering to help her out  AND she is acting like an absolute child giving you the silent treatment. Sounds to me like she is the one who needs some advice! But since you asked, I am more than happy to help! =)

That being said, I think there are 2 ways to make to make a difference in the coming months where you can be happier and more comfortable in your home. 

1. If I were you, I would take a second to think about why she is so surprisingly upset? My first impression is that she is she is hurt that you did not tell her about this exciting news in your life, until after you signed your new lease. She felt excluded. Perhaps, she doesn’t even realize that things have changed? It might have been an abrupt wake up call for her to realize things are different now. That on top of the relatively small annoyance of figuring out a new living situation, is why she is so upset. I don’t think this is your fault, you are allowed to keep things between you and your partner until you feel the time is right. It is part of growing in a relationship. (I personally find your timing to be generous. 5 months is a lot of time to solve a small problem.)
But anyway, if you agree and think that it is possible that is part of the reason why she is so upset, try to express to her that you still value your relationship and still want that friendship. Just because your time living together is ending 5 months, does not mean your friendship is ending that day either.
Even though she is not talking to you she can still hear you. So it might feel like you are talking to a wall, but at least she will know you still care. From there, the ball is in her court. You’re doing all you can. If she doesn’t tell you what’s up how can you make anything better? If you get no response here then I suggest point 2.
2. Leave it be. She appears to be too selfish to see past her nose. If she can’t understand that you are trying your best to do everything right, then I don’t think she deserves a friendship with someone so giving and considerate.
Now, I know point 2 is starting off pretty hard in the paint, but all I’m really suggesting is you keep on saying hello, and goodbye and being friendly. She may come around or she may not, but you can go to bed every night knowing you are being the bigger, better, kinder person. I’m sure sooner or later she will see the light and come around. Water cuts through rock not because of it’s strength, but because it is persistence. You might not be buddies in the coming months but perhaps she’ll grow by your example and you can work it out.
Regardless, you being kind to her shows that she’s not getting to you. People who give the silent treatment are looking for a reaction and she is clearly not getting one. So keep being home and enjoying your space. If she breaks her silence or not, you deserve to enjoy the comfort of your home.
I personally, want you to work it out because that is exactly what I would want in the same scenario. No one is perfect and they are your friend for a reason! You have a bond over something! BUT, we all know not all things are meant to last. Some relationships are valuable in that you learn a lot while in them, but in order to move forward and grow things have to end. This always so hard and so confusing, especially with platonic relationships. So if that is the outcome of this particular friendship, just know that nothing was a waste and you should be thankful for all the good times. Who knows, may some time apart will bring you back together even stronger.
So, I hope this was helpful and has given you some ideas on what to do next. I think, it’s all going to work out the way it is supposed to. If anything, you’ll just be more excited to move in with your boyfriend… and that’s not so bad?
If anyone else has a suggestion for this Frustrated Roommate please leave a comment below. We would both love to hear it.
With Love,
Stephanie
Posted on

Butting In or Butting Out

Would you look at this! A clearly great mom, who is trying to be the best mom is looking for some advice from me, of all people.

————————————————————————————————————-

“I’m so glad I found your blog! I’m actually the mom of 20s somethings and really need advice on how and when they may want advice from me! I know wait ‘til they ask, but what if I think it’s necessary and nobody asked? Thanks in advance for your perspective.”

Hi There,

I am so glad you have found my blog too! Thanks for your question, I hope I can be of help.

That being said, I think you are already on the right track. I think all moms want what is best for their children and you are no exception! So, when it comes to giving advice that was not asked for, it means that you are concerned for them or you think you know what is best for them. I am sure in most cases you do know what is best, since you have lived a fuller and longer life than your child. However, your life is, has, and will continue to be different from you child’s. So not every answer that you have found true for your life will be true for them.

In those moments, maybe take a second to think about your apprehension and why you want to speak up and offer advice. Is it because your child is choosing something that is currently socially acceptable, normal even healthy, but was something that would have be considered unacceptable in your youth? Is their decision hurting themselves or other people? Do you think they will be more or less unhappy? Is it immoral and unethical? (Fairly subjective depending on what you believe in.)

After asking yourself those questions, and you still feel the need to offer advice, that they are unsafe or metaphorically walking into the lion’s den, then go ahead butt in and offer advice. I cannot promise you that you will not butt heads, but your words will not fall on deaf ears. They will hear you, even if they do not want to. I am sure they will also be secretly thankful for the input.

Trust me on this one. My own lovely mother, would offer advice (butt in) when necessary, even if it wasn’t sought out. Sure, I was VERY annoyed, but I heard it and I may have even followed it after I chewed on her words a little longer. It was her suggestion, but my choice.

Which leads to my last piece of advice, trust yourself that you raised your 20s somethings to be capable adults, who will make the best decisions for their lives. Of course, they might stumble and fall but that is how they will learn what is true for them and their lives.

I hope that was helpful and offers some insight on how a 20s something might feel. If anyone else has a further suggestions, please let me and this momma know in the comments below.

With Love,

Stephanie

<a href=”https://www.bloglovin.com/blog/19149105/?claim=uqwvf6c752n”>Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>